Igor supposes some of you want apologies. Obviously there are fans out there who are so devoted to Igor's travels that they have been waiting for updates with baited breath. Igor even received word that one fan was determined to hold her breath until the next update. (Don't worry, she was safely taken to the hospital; although Igor would like to point out that he is not liable for her medical issues, in the past, present, or future.). However, Igor denies that the lack of updates is his fault. Clearly, he has bigger, more important issues to attend to; furthermore, if anyone is to be faulted from the infrequent updates, it's painfully obvious that person should be Heeseung, the one with the ability to type, aka the brawn of the operation (Igor clearly posses both the brains and beauty, though).

It has been a bit over two months since this blog has been dusted off. As per usual, Igor cannot divulge the details of why he has not been responding, because such information is top secret, to be released on a need know basis only. However, Heeseung suspects it may have to do with Igor's extreme laziness -- but Igor cannot confirm this. (No offense; chances are you simply aren't important enough.)

When Igor last posted, he was nearing the last leg of his London trip. Now, he has long since left that dreaded place (proof of its awfulness: It dared to become sunny just as he was about to leave! What an impertinent place!). Igor may have been a little sad to leave the nasty, grey land, if he could be bothered to feel sadness. But obviously such emotions are unnecessary for someone as grand as Igor.

So instead, Igor has moved on, with Heeseung still at his side. (Unfortunately. Shockingly, no one better suited for the job applied. Who knew so much unqualified rabble existed in this world, honestly. Is it really so hard to be just the slightest bit competent?)

In any case, having successfully (more or less) conquered London (the important bits, at least), Igor decided to move on to New York, where he has been dined and wined by the elite (although none have been as elite as himself, of course), been underwhelmed by cultural activities, and sweated his shell off in the New York heat and humidity. In short, Igor has been less than impressed, although that is to be expected for a Turtle Who Has Seen It All (including a short stint in Brazil last week, with a brief detour to Texas, which, if Igor wasn't immune to making mistakes, would have to be called a mistake because, honestly, who ever goes to Texas?)

Regardless, such is the nature of Igor's current activities (minus all the top secret ones he can't tell you about because, well, you know...). For those of you who absolutely need to know more about Igor's life, see what he's eat here. Otherwise, wait here to read more, although Igor cannot stress enough that you shouldn't hold your breath for updates because if you should restrict your flow of oxygen and pass out, there isn't one iota of a chance that you will receive any sort of settlement money from Igor because it will be wholly your fault, &tc., &tc.

Igor has been very put out as of late. When one is as busy and important as Igor is, vacations are rare and fleeting, to be cherished like the precious sun upon Igor's gleaming, gloriously green shell. But now, not only has the sun of Istanbul disappeared, but the drudgery of London has somehow worsened, much to Igor's disbelief, with periods of great downpour and extended periods of grey half-light. Igor is appalled and cannot believe the nerve of London. If Igor weren’t so desperately needed in London (on some very important, very secret business. He’d tell you if you were more important.), he would be on an unnamed private island in the Caribbean right now. But alas, with great wisdom, beauty, and power comes great responsibility.

In an attempt to boost Igor’s spirits (after all, morale is essential here), Igor’s doting minions have made considerable exertions (not, of course, that Igor's high maintenance). Clearly, Igor’s hectic life was lacking something, and finally, it has been realized that the missing element in Igor’s demanding life is parties. Of course, the theme of every party should be Igor, Igor, and, obviously, more Igor, but unfortunately, Igor simply cannot be so easily replicated. And so Igor’s minions have had to brainstorm to create other amusing themes.

So far, they have come up with an "E"-themed party, where everyone had to dress up as something that beging with "E" (obviously to honor "EE-gor," although it happened to coincide with the birthdays of two underlings, whose names were Elsie and Erica, or something like that -- Igor can't be bothered to know for sure); a passover-themed party (obviously to honor Igor's return to London from Istanbul as he passed over the Continent, although it happened to coincide with the holiday, Passover); and next will be an animal-themed party, where everyone will dress up as animals (to honor Igor, but obviously, no one can dress as a turtle because they simply will not be able to compare with Igor).

Hopefully, with these morale-boosters, Igor will once again be in fighting condition to face the drab dreariness of spring showers.

(Please note there was supposed to be a beautiful photograph of Igor atop a bed of flowers here; unfortunately, Igor's handler, Heeseung, has failed to keep Igor's files in tip-top shape and has lost the photograph -- consequently, the world loses out on a lovely image. This is why Igor must get new help. Applications will open 5 April, 2010.)

When Igor last posted on his blog, he was in the process of making his way to Istanbul. What was in store for him, he had no idea, but with a brave and adventurous heart, he set forth to make his way to lands unknown. Or known by others but not by him. So in other words, unknown (after all, it isn't known or worth knowing until Igor knows it).

Igor stayed at the Four Seasons Hotel in Sultanahmet, where he mixed with the usual crowd -- sultans and olive oil exporters and silk traders and the like -- while Heeseung and a fellow suffering devoted minion stayed at the more modest Tulip Guesthouse, a short stone's throw away, where they woke up to the sun:

and ate breakfast (soft, crusty rolls, sweet and tart jams, yogurt, cheese, olives, tomatoes, apples, and helva) to a view of the Marmara Sea and the Asia side of Istanbul every morning:

Heeseung and Taryn (more commonly known to Igor as minion 3) enjoyed the comfort of their lodgings but Igor had some business to conduct around Istanbul (despite having gone for a vacation, but such is the life of an important and powerful turtle), and thus minions 1 and 3 gamely made their way out and around Istanbul so that Igor may cover more ground during his trip.

Their first stop on Monday was the Grand Bazaar, a covered market that opened in the mid-1400s to fund the restoration of Aya Sofya as a mosque (before a cathedral, now a museum). According to Wikipedia (which is almost as all-knowing as Igor), the Grand Bazaar contains over 58 covered streets and 1,200 shops. Igor estimates he visited approximately 1,195 of the shop in search for the perfect carpet for his countryside manor in Ireland.

Later on Monday, Igor and co. went to a fusion restaurant called East & West on the tip of Osman and Ahmet the carpetsellers. The fare was different from what Igor usually eats, but in the spirit of adventure, he went, and, of course, the food was good (because Igor only eats good food).

Tuesday, Igor decided to take a ferry tour of the Bosphorous Strait, the line of separation between Europe and Asia. There were dolphins, jellyfish, and birds. Igor was not pleased. However, the view was quite nice on the eyes, so Igor may forgive the excessive wildlife this time.

Following the Bosphorus boat tour, Igor found himself in the vicinity of the Spice Bazaar, where Igor may have eaten four times his weight in dried nuts, figs, apricots, and, of course, a vast variety of lokum, or Turkish Delights. It was a chore, but Igor was of course able to step up to the challenge, for the sake of quality control. The things he does for the common people.

Wednesday, the weather failed Igor for the first time, recalling to mind cold, grey London weather. Igor charged on, however, because he doesn't let such trifling matters stop him (he was bundled under no fewer than four scarves, however). On Wednesday, Igor went to the Blue Mosque,

and Topkapi Palace, which was nice, but Igor wasn't particularly interested in buying it (his latest acquisition can be seen further down).

Thursday, due to a lack of research misinformation from a number of sources, Igor failed to go anywhere, but instead spent the majority of the day hopelessly lost wandering and exploring the city. Then, Igor decided to unwind by going to a Turkish bath that was built in 1475.
Igor was picked up and driven in silence to the bathhouse late in the darkness of night, where he was the only customer for the duration of his bath. He was scrubbed, lathered, and massaged to an inch of his life by a large, mostly naked, non-English-speaking Turkish woman. It was not an experience Igor can say was particularly enjoyable, although his skin, admittedly, has never been softer.

The following day, Igor, now completely soft and smooth, headed over to Dolmabahçe Palace, where he surveyed his latest property acquisition. While the palace was undergoing some renovations, Igor saw the potential of the palace to be a place of future residence and is in the process of negotiating its purchase.

The palace's interior was decorated by the same man who worked on the Paris Opera House. Igor approves.

In the center hall of the palace, there is a 4.5 tonne crystal chandelier, purchased from Queen Victoria. Igor approves of this, despite the fact that it takes a few months to clean the chandelier, and thus it is only cleaned once every six or seven years. The things people do for beauty. (Igor knows the lengths people go through firsthand -- being beautiful and maintaining such beauty is, after all, a full-time job.)

After visiting his future home, Igor visited Taksim, a very modern shopping area of Istanbul. Igor heartily disliked it, mainly because of the pigeons. More than any beast or bird, Igor hates pigeons. They're dirty, they're annoying when they coo, and they think they're cool because they walk when they're really supposed to fly. Awful.

Recovering from his encounter with the disease-infested flying rats, Igor made his way by the Bospohorus once again to eat a fish sandwich (balik ekmek): freshly caught fish grilled and slapped onto half a loaf of fresh bread with lettuce and onion, seasoned with lemon juice and salt. Eating like a commoner was an invigorating experience for Igor, and he was shocked to find that the sandwich was ... tasty??!

Now fully energized from his sandwich, Igor made his way to Aya Sofya, where he is embarrassed to say he was swindled by an 82-year old man who spat a little when he spoke. This, of course, was not Igor's fault; minions 1 and 3 were supposed to keep an eye out for such scammers, but they were too busy thinking back upon the fish sandwiches and (chewy!) ice cream they had eaten to consider such things. Thus, Igor was made to pay for following the old man around the mosque as the he recited facts that could be found on nearby informational signs. Igor was in the works to make a movie based on his experience of getting swindled by a tour guide, but alas, apparently it has already been done and can be seen in Slumdog Millionaire.

Igor was very upset to find that his plans for his major motion picture were thwarted, so he went back with minions 1 and 3 to the Tulip Guesthouse for some stuffed vine leaves, bread, and tea before heading back to the Four Seasons to rest up.

And thus marked the end of Igor's tour of Istanbul. It was a relaxing, memorable trip, and Igor very much approves of the Turks. He is sure they would make an excellent addition to his posse, and, for those of you in the know, that is among the highest of compliments Igor can make.